Time to talk about another possible diagnosis for me! This one came about in a rather unexpected way, and I am not sure if I really have it yet, but it seems like a good time to talk about it. I am thinking that it might be interesting for others to see how my views on ADHD change over time, especially if the diagnosis is correct.
What is ADHD?
First, let’s talk about what I know about ADHD so far. Most of my knowledge is really second-hand because my wife has it and I have seen her struggle with it. To me, it basically comes down to being able to focus. The trouble that I see as an outsider is that she either has too much focus or not enough focus. That is an oversimplification, but it is a good start. At its core, the too much focus is a problem when she wants to ignore people or noises, but she can’t stop herself from seeing, hearing, and feeling all of the external stimuli. She says it can be very overwhelming, and from my viewpoint, she will get so wrapped up in what is happening outside that she doesn’t pay attention to her own mind/body. On the opposite side, if not much is going on around her, she can’t force herself to do something. It is pretty common around our house to find projects and tasks that were started and not finished because they didn’t provide her with enough stimulus to keep focusing on them.
How did my diagnosis start?
Now that I covered the basics, I will move over to talking more about what happened with me. I haven’t really thought of myself as a person with ADHD, but that is only because I was really only comparing myself to my wife. I don’t have the same issues with time management, or at least that is what I tell myself anyway. I am also able to do a boring task without wandering off. I remember watching ADHD videos with her as she was trying to understand it, and I would think to myself, “Doesn’t everyone think that way?” as they talked about how ADHD people see the world differently. The way my wife says it is that she always wondered because she can see that I am experiencing some of the issues, but for other things, I clearly don’t. Or maybe I am just really good at faking it, even to myself…
I am getting off track again (funny when I am writing about ADHD, right?). What happened this week that changed things was that I was letting my doctor know about a strange side effect from a med she had prescribed. It is commonly used to help people fall asleep quickly, and it interacts with two other sleep-related meds that I am taking to amplify the effect. The pharmacist also warned me and told me not to take it too early because I should fall asleep pretty quickly after taking it. The strange part is that when I took it, it made me feel super jazzed and wide awake. When I told the doctor, she looked it up in her system and told me that the side effect has been observed before… with people who have ADHD…
Five-minute diagnosis
My schedule this week was already packed because my wife just finished having her SI joint (hip) fused, and we have been dealing with all the post-operation appointments, so I didn’t have a ton of extra time to talk to the doctor about ADHD. Instead, we just had a quick five-minute discussion, and the plan is to follow up soon to go into more detail. She started by asking if I was the classic ADHD pattern of being hyperactive when I was younger. I told her that no, I don’t remember that coming up at all. Next, she asked me if I was a daydreamer, and that question was easy to answer because it was a resounding yes. She said that we should definitely talk about it in our next appointment and go through some more questions. We ended up emailing back and forth a little bit in the meantime, but it seems like a diagnosis of ADHD would match up fairly well with some of the experiences that I remember.
After that quick chat, I decided to do a little more research without going too overboard. I found a basic form that asks you a few questions and gives you a score. When I took it, I got a 4 in part A and a 6 in part B, which indicates that I might have ADHD. It is a pretty brief questionnaire, but it was enough to convince me that I should work with my doctor to look into it more.
Examples of ADHD or normal behavior?
I figured I might as well go over some examples now because it will be interesting to see if they make sense once I learn more. I tried thinking back about times when I have noticed that I have extreme issues with attention in either direction. I started with my doctor’s question about being a daydreamer. From as far back as I can remember, I created worlds in my head and would use them to get through long car rides, classes, appointments, and meetings. I remember that I would often spend rides in the car watching a video game-like story play out around the car when I was younger. I would even hold random objects and use them like a game controller so that I could “play” the game that I was seeing around myself. From what I understand, when ADHD is noticed in boys, it is usually because they are bouncing all over the place, and for girls, it is usually because they are quiet and distracted. I think those are just the stereotypical examples that people see all the time in shows and movies, so I don’t put much stock in them. I can say that I remember receding into myself and being lost in my own thoughts a lot.
Another example that I think of when I compare myself to my wife is that when I used to do boring tasks around the farm growing up, I would usually be singing along with a song in my head. I had a really hard time just working or driving in silence, and we didn’t have radios in all of the vehicles, so I just turned on the station in my head. I remember times of my mom asking what station I was tuned to since she could see me singing in a truck as I drove by and that it must be a good one. I never thought it strange and just assumed everyone could hear a radio station playing in their head.
The other thing that really hits home when I look at signs and symptoms of ADHD is the hyperfocus. Even as I was younger, I remember being able to completely turn off the outside world so I could focus on something I wanted to do. Especially with video games, I might get locked in and play them for hours on end without realizing that I need to take a break. I have many memories of staying up all night because I couldn’t put a game or a book down. As an adult, this kind of thing is easier for me to manage, and I usually think of it as a strength because I can super focus on a task. This only works for things I find interesting, though, so it isn’t like something I can just switch on, which can be frustrating.
My thoughts on the potential diagnosis
I am feeling a little mixed about this whole thing. While I can think of examples where I have attention differences, I think of them more as a positive. I think of it as why I am able to do the work I do and play the kind of games that I like. From what I understand, though, getting treatment for ADHD doesn’t really mean I will lose these abilities; it will just give me more control over them. That part sounds nice because right now, I can get stuck coding on the weekend when I just want to relax. I also have a hard time going multiple days without coding, which can be frustrating. It can be really hard to take a relaxing drive or vacation when I can’t relax and feel like I need to get back to working on something. So maybe this will be a good thing for me, but right now I am just unsure about the whole thing.
For now, I guess I will just wait until I get to talk to the doctor in more detail about it. If I think about it too much, I know I will get stuck and end up trying to research it more and will just convince myself that I have it. It is making me pretty curious, though. I mean, I wouldn’t call myself “normal”, but I am not sure that I fit neatly into the ADHD box as I understand it. What will be interesting is if it is just my perception that is wrong or if I am just trying to make my experience fit into it. Only time will tell…